But I Won’t Do That

15 Feb

Even Meatloaf has his limits – the fluid boundary of places he just will not go.  Last week, I found an edge.

You know that moment in a meeting when you realize that someone is inevitably looking for your interviewer?  Perhaps it’s his parole officer, or his case manager, or even just the medical professional tasked with administering his meds on a reliable schedule.  Mayhap it’s someone with a tranquilizer gun, helmet, and giant lasso.  No matter, the fact is that you have discovered yourself in a meeting with a missing person and your thoughts turn naturally to how this poor soul can be returned to his safe haven.  And then a short while after that, your mind begins to locate the exits, and send the signal to your right hand to nonchalantly reach into your bag and locate your phone.  Just in case.

In hind sight, accepting an interview based on an email that I opened with the salutation “Hey Jerks!” should have perhaps been an indicator that this was not a sterling opportunity.  Perhaps the inclusion of the phrases “GILF” and “jizz in our pants” provided in the job description should have also steered me away (to be fair, or wait…… I think they were trying to be funny as this was a job posting for a comedy writer position)…. What can I say?  I was in a frenzy of self-doubt and professional anxiety (a stable base from which we should all make life decisions) and I unleashed my madness on craigslist.  What?  I have never once claimed to make good decisions.  You knew that.

The Set Up – Bullet Points:

I arrived at the empty cafe and spotted a table with two PC laptops circa 1998 and a “coat.”  As in, a garment that was allegedly a coat.  One computer was easily as large as a medical dictionary.  It didn’t strike me as all that strange, Chicago is cold in the winter and sometimes the homeless set up shop at an accommodating cafe and hold their office hours.  When the baristo behind the counter looked at me with what I later realized was pity and excitement I thought nothing of it.  When he gestured to the table and asked if I was here to meet Maxwell, it gave me a moment of pause…..

After a dramatic buildup and a gradual rise of my panic level, Maxwell made his entrance.  He was already sort-of yelling as he opened the door.  At first I thought maybe a bluetooth was involved, but no.  Had I been more present in the situation (and not STILL nervous that I would be asked what business I had applying to write anything for money), I would have listened carefully.  The overture is where we learn all of the themes that will be reiterated later in the show – any audience member worth her salt will apply herself to actively listening.  A missed opportunity.

The meeting began with Maxwell eschewing all of the usual pleasantries that usually kick off  an interview (names, handshakes, denouncement of Chicago weather).  It was straight to business.  And by business, I mean madness.

Stay tuned as I dole out my hilarious interview piece by piece.  Hang on the edge of your seat as we discover what can happen when a grown-ass man goes off his meds, collects some settlement money, and decides that he requires a staff.

See you tomorrow (unless the episode of some hidden camera show that I unwittingly starred in airs, and the whole story is revealed – fingers crossed).


One Response to “But I Won’t Do That”

  1. Joylynn February 15, 2011 at 2:50 pm #

    I can’t wait to read more!

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