As Promised

25 Feb

And now, because I’m sure you were just vexed in your waiting (you can only revisit whitewhine so many times in a day whilst waiting for an installment here), I bring for your consideration Kim’s Purity Ball – my first whole sketch!  Like a puppy trying to walk for the first time… but you know, it’s a start, and I’m no stranger to being bad at things.  If the future resembles the past, this is the start of me getting better.  So here’s to it!

CAST

Kim – 21

Paul – 50’s

(Kim’s bedroom)

PAUL

Wow, honey.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been in your room.  It’s, uh, different.  No matter where I look, a Jesus is looking at me.  Or a unicorn.  It’s quite a combo.

KIM

(serenely)

Isn’t it?

PAUL

(looks around perplexed and dismayed)

Well, you know, I’m sure you need your privacy and everything.

(startles as he finds another Jesus looking at him, gives a small wave)

KIM

I do cherish uninterrupted time with the Lord.

PAUL

(shifts uncomfortably)

Right.  Okay.  So, your mom and I have been talking and we wanted to, you know, check in about your birthday.  21!  It’s a big deal, right?

KIM

What a blessing.  I can hardly believe I’m drawing closer and closer on the road to sacred womanhood.

PAUL

Right.  I guess so. But wait, you got your period, like, 6 years ago, right?  Whatever, I mean, you can tell me anything you want, sweetheart, you know that.  But, just, you know, I want to be cool, and like, give you your space and everything.  I’m sure it’s not easy living at home with your folks at your age.

(more quietly to himself)

For any of us.

KIM

This is what I keep telling you, Dad – I don’t want space.  I want you to protect me and guard my heart as a man of God.  I want to serve you as a stay-at-home daughter!

PAUL

(horrified)

Is that a thing?  Christ, honey, we’ve talked about this.  You’re a grown woman.  And I’m not a – how did you say that? – man of God.  You know I’m trying to be supportive, and I know everyone experiments in their twenties, but I’ve told you how creepy I think this stuff is.

KIM

Well, Dad, you asked me what I want for my birthday, and that’s what I want – a godly father who will take me to the purity ball.

PAUL

Why do I feel like that’s going to make your mom drink whisky and donate the grocery money to Planned Parenthood again?

KIM

No, Dad, it’s wonderful!  It’s just, like, a party!

PAUL

Oh, okay.  That’s not so bad.  That’s great actually!

KIM

(winsomely)

There’s dinner, and dancing.  The daughters wear beautiful white gowns, and then the dads sign a pledge to be in charge of their daughters’ sexual purity, and cherish them, and complement their blossoming womanly bodies and stuff, and then they promise to find their daughters worthy husbands to give them to like presents, and each daughter lays a white rose at the foot of a huge cross and then does a special dance of sexual purity just for her dad, and…

PAUL

…And then we slaughter a goat and get arrested.  Honey, this sounds like an insane cult ritual.  Or a three-way father-daughter-Jesus wedding.  I can’t decide which one I’d be more on-board with.

KIM

Dad, don’t you want to be sure I don’t give my special flower away to a man who isn’t worthy?  Don’t you want to celebrate my sexual purity in public, with other fathers?

PAUL

Oh god.  I just threw up in my mouth.  And the taste makes me feel like I have to do it again.

KIM

Dad, it really would mean so much to me. Just think how amazing it would be if you chose a husband for me and then gave me to him, like your best mare in her season, or a magazine you already read, to love just like you have loved me!  Who knows me better than you do, Dad?

PAUL

KIM!  You!  You know yourself!  I imagine it’s terrifying.

KIM

I just, I know that the only gift I want on this special birthday is the blessing of knowing that on my wedding night, I’ll be thinking only of you and all you did to prepare me for it.

PAUL

AHHHHHHH!  Kim, honey, I love you but this is my absolute threshold of gross.  Can you hear the words that are coming out of your own mouth and that were somehow not stopped by your brain?  I’m putting my foot down.

KIM

(passionately)

Oh good, we’re starting!  Of course I’ll obey, you Dad – my wise keeper.

PAUL

NO!  Kim!  Listen to me!  If you insist on living this unhealthy lifestyle, your mom and I are going to have to ask you to move out.  We can’t take it anymore.

KIM

(elated)

You’ve already found someone?

PAUL

(exasperated)

NO!  That’s it Kim, you need to be on your own.  Maybe then you can sort some of this out.  I’ve tried to help you and have only proven myself to be a colossal failure of a father.  God!  I’m a middle class white guy – how is patriarchy failing me here?!

KIM

Dad!  Don’t say that!  Patriarchy isn’t failing!  You’ve just got to really lean into it!

PAUL

I’ve got to get out of here and you need to start looking for a place of your own.

(turns back to Kim on his way out the door)

My answer is no.  No fucking way am I going to any purity ball.

KIM

Where are you going?

PAUL

To the liquor store for your mother.

(Blackout.)

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